Lisa Purcell

WHO (in God’s name!) CARES??!!

In Television on February 11, 2012 at 7:13 pm

It takes me forever to read my newspaper. I only receive it on the weekends, and still- I manage to put aside the Leisure and Travel sections, saving them for some unforeseen day when I’ll have nothing to do (and no book to read!) After a few weeks of piling up, I usually end up tossing them (thank you ‘Hoarders’ for scaring me neat!) 

Today I was placing a pile in my recycle bin, when the cover of the Travel section caught my eye. The subject of this New Years Day 2012 article was titled ‘The End’, and the tagline read: If the Mayan calendar means it’s over; here’s where celebs would head. Are you kidding me? We are now going to discuss (disgust?) where celebrities will pamper themselves, should our last days on earth seem inevitable? (ps: Do I even need to mention that the Mayan calendar bullsh**is not something I buy into, it’s just the latest ‘Save The Date’ for the wackos. I can’t  wrap my head around anyone caring about anything a celebrity might do in general! let alone in a world-ending situation. And let’s not even get into the logistics, such as how anyone would know the day, how they’d manage to travel- you know: throw common sense out the window or your mind will get all tangled up!)

So, let’s see what we have in terms of answers: (I will be paraphrasing to keep it compact) First up is Jewel. Now- I have nothing against Jewel- she is a truly talented singer (not ‘American Idol’ good- which I take to be ‘better than the other contestants’ – Jewel is GENUINELY talented) though she threw me for a loop (no pun intended) when she hooked up with that rodeo guy and again when she tried to tart herself up like a pop star to change her image (which up until then was just fine.) I liked the snaggle-toothed, unplugged Jewel just fine. She was endearing. Since Jewel’s family stars on a survival show called ‘Alaska: The Last Frontier’ (on Discovery Network) where her father and brothers live off the land (I’ve never seen anyone go to such lengths to avoid getting real jobs! har har)  I figured she’d say Alaska, with actual survivalists that she knows and loves, but no. Her answer: “I don’t want to go into the end-of-the-world part, but we’d probably go to the Bahamas. We like to go to the outer islands” Well- to each her own, but that seems a little -I dunno-shallow? for a ‘last days on earth’ location, but that’s coming from someone who has sun every damn day, and I’m thinking end-of-the-world seems more like an overcast day kind of adventure!

The Bahamas? Really?

Tinsel Korey (some chick from Twilight, Breaking Dawn) (btw: Who names their kid Tinsel?)  says: “I would fly to Bora-Bora. Wearing a fluffy robe, drenched in lavender-eucalyptus (apocolyptic?) lotion, eating a cupcake, while I smiled at a Dolphin that would just happen to be swimming around near me. Got to go out in style right?” (this sounds- I kid you not- like a scene from the 1984 movie ‘The Night Of The Comet’. A movie so bad it’s good!) Anyway- it also sounds like something a My Little Pony would dream, but- like the kids say- whatevs!

“It better not be Boring-Boring!”

Curt Menefee (Fox NFL Sunday) goes on and on about a town in Uruguay. He ends it by saying that once he’s there, staring out at the ocean,  ‘since he won’t have to get up the next day, a nice bottle of wine-and maybe even a shot of tequilla -wouldn’t be a bad way to say adios to it all” (What does he mean, “maybe?”)

“and thank you for joining us for the last season of NFL, ever”

Finally we have Alexis Bellino from’ The Real Housewives of Orange County’ (a show I have never seen, but have no problem imagining) She says: “I would fly my entire family to Bora Bora because we love the beautiful water and sand! (note: She does understand this isn’t going to be a picnic, right?!) We would throw the biggest best party ever and celebrate (note: celebrate?) with music, our favorite cocktail- margaritas in fancy (note: gotta have ‘fancy’ at the ‘we’re gonna die’ party, fer sure!)- and our favorite food- pizza!” Ahem: A few things here: Do you get the idea that she pictures this party being catered by the most super-conscientious cooks and servers in the world, who -even though the god-damned world is ENDING!, will serve the vapid housewife from Hell rather than be with their families? Even the opening of this article admits that on the Earth’s last day ‘service might be be slow” Ya think? Do you suppose Ms. Bellino will invite Ms. Tinsel over as well, so they can have deep convos about Twilight and boys who sparkle? And, like me, don’t you kind of feel that if these are the last people being pampered on the earth during that crucial time,that it might really be time for the world to end? 

“I’ll be more than happy to represent the human race, K?”

 

  1. So, while the rest of us burn from radiation or a meteor hitting the earth or biological warfare I’ll rest easy knowing the Bahamas is sheltering our best and brightest (ahem!). Maybe they can repopulate the earth when the dust clears ? I’m wondering if any celebs said “F you you sick reporter person” when asked such a vile, offensive question of a highly plausible situation??? I can see maybe George Clooney saying “Dont waste my time, idiot”. I guess it truly will be Better in the Bahamas!!!!

    • I was thinking about the writer’s proposal on doing this story – and the subsequent approval. I miss the days when this kind of stuff wouldn’t be fit for a ‘real’ newspaper. But it’s fascinating that no one questioned (or showed any concern whatsoever!) for the rest of the human race. Maybe they took it like the ‘What three things would you bring to a deserted island?’ question. But that Housewife woman was ready to pull out all of the stops! I was thinking of a playlist for her party: ‘Armeggedon It’ Def Leppard, End of the World As We Know It-REM, You’re so vain (that’s special, for her) ‘Symphony Of Destruction’ Megadeth, ‘Black Hole Sun’ Soundgarden, Drop The World, Lil Wayne… and that’s just off the top of my head. Oh- and ‘Reflections Of My Life’ by Marmalade. Just to bum her out (since nothing else seems to!)

  2. So vapid and such a waste of ink! I like the NY Mag Intelligencer/Party Lines when they ask a random celeb a question and they have to answer it in a sentence or two. That is all I need to hear from any celebrity. Like this week when they asked Judah Friedlander “I there was a sing-off between ‘Glee’ and ‘Smash’ who would win?” And he says “Guns N Roses. No Contest.”

    • Good one! But then I get all suspicious: Do they really come up with those lines on the spot, or is it a publicist thing, where they pay for the exposure and come up with a great answer ‘off the cuff’. Maybe Judah actually could- but it seems that every ‘name’ star is a never-ending font of witticisms. Even the ones who can’t walk (the red carpet) and chew (sugarless) gum at the same time, come up with fabulous, funny answers. No one seems to choke. And yes- sometimes it makes me sad how jaded I am!

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