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Watching The Superbowl Like A Girl: Feb. 2, 2014

In Game Day Sweet, Game Day Sweet 2013 on February 2, 2014 at 1:16 pm

 

RICHARD SHERMAN vs. MARSHAWN LYNCH:

Remember: I’m just here so I won’t get fined, bro!

THE HOOPLA

I haven’t heard this much talk about the weather since the phrase ‘global warming’ became a trend. I sure hope the Super Bowl doesn’t become a victim of ‘The Polar Vortex’….which sounds like a really expensive winter jacket from Patagonia or Northface, worn by George Costanza..

The New York/New Jersey infighting is not making anyone look good. But speaking for the rest of country, it’s not surprising. Both of you guys are a little carried away with yourselves. Start behaving. Don’t make us pull over this car!

We witness the yearly onslaught of articles trying to simplify football to the people who don’t even like it. Why? It is so ridiculous to me that anyone would watch a football game if they didn’t want to. Worse than that, I wish that you, dear reader, are not saddled with having to watch the game with people of this nature. Today alone I’ve seen articles titled: ‘5 Points to Help Simplify Sunday’s Super Bowl’, ‘Pretend You’re A Football Know-It-All’ and “How To Get Through Super Bowl Sunday”. I just don’t get it! Why not go do something else? I don’t drive to the store and pretend I like shoe shopping! There are just too many other things I like-books to read and 700 other channels to watch- why waste time faking it?

As for the commercials and halftime? Could care less. Bruno Mars as the featured musical artist is so unexciting (in my opinion) that if I was hooked up to a heart rate monitor you wouldn’t even see a blip. But I’m not mad, because I don’t expect the NFL to fulfill my musical taste needs any more than I expect the next great running back to be drafted out of Aerosmith. That being said I’ll be heading to the Puppy Bowl when Bruno Mars takes the stage, awaiting the Kitten Halftime. Oh- and we’re also having an operatic National Anthem, which really makes sense- what with all of the opera fans who love the NFL. At least Joe Buck will be impressed.

WING DING

Just so you know, 1. 23 billion chicken wings will be eaten today. Also: you will hear the phrase ‘chicken wings’ and all of it’s variations and offshoots (wings, chicken, ranch dressing, bleu cheese, napkins, original, boneless) 1.23 billion times today as well.

 

BRYANT ‘BUZZKILL’ GUMBEL IS A POMPOUS ASS

Not since his tirade on Real Sports about how soccer is superior to American Football has Sir Bryant Gumbel been so out of touch and annoying. After his end-of-the-show pose- glasses on the tip of his nose, writing something very important in his notes as per usual- a pose that makes him look seriously involved in the issues, though I suspect a game of hangman and doodles of boobies) Bryant laid down the law about people visiting his New York City for the Super Bowl.

Some of his rules for the visitors to his great city are: Don’t be loud, don’t wear lime green jerseys if you’re over the age of twelve, don’t stay up late celebrating and don’t be a ‘yahoo’. Reminding me of so many of the naysayers and wet blankets I’ve had to endure during various football games over the years, I once again say: If you don’t like football- what are you doing here in the first place? No one wants you here! Go Away!! And Gumbel? It’s not your city, it’s our city- and- I know this kills the pretentious among us- but your opinion won’t sway a single person from enjoying the game,  nor will you have any effect on the dress code, attitude, or volume of revelers. (I think when they install ‘pompous’ they have to remove ‘sense of humor’)

I hope you are inundated with lime green jerseys, bad vocabulary, unsophisticated taste, and yahoos everywhere you go!! I only wish I could get in on it. I hope it drives you mad. You would need actual surgery to remove that stick from your butt. Happy moping.

 

OLD-SCHOOL COOL

I love this picture of Kansas City Chiefs Len Dawson during the Super Bowl Halftime in 1967,  relaxing with a cigarette and a soda.

1967

1967

 

 

And finally…..sob! sob! We’re done with the NFL and now have to wait till next season……waaaaaah!

 

 

 

 

NFLZoffseason

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