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Archive for April, 2014|Monthly archive page

Alicia Silverstone – The Kind Mama Parenting Methods: Kinda Nuts!

In Angreads: Reading Mixed With Anger, Books, Celebrities, Should I Even Be Talking About This? on April 24, 2014 at 11:47 am
I can hear the photographers and assistants:

I can hear the photographers and assistants: “Move up slightly, Alicia- we want to be able to read his tattoo”

I would have thought that no celebrity could make me roll my eyes more (while simultaneously making me nauseous) than Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyneth has literally invented a new level of snobbery with her pathetic attempts at sugar-coating a nasty divorce with her tailor-made ‘conscious uncoupling’ from her husband (don’t even get me started on him) Even regular vocabulary is not good enough for Ms. Paltrow. The word ‘divorce’ had to literally be changed, so as to apply to her elitist self.  Never before has anyone put more time and energy into curating a false front, and that’s huge-because the competition includes every Facebook post, Christmas letter and Brooklyn Hipster Mommy blog in the universe.

But, in this case, another celeb took a shot with her custom-made pool cue, and sent Gwyneth soundly off into the left pocket with a loud ‘crack!’. That celebrity would be Miss Alicia Silverstone, a wealthy, pseudo-hippie (this means her ‘hobby’ is re-enacting hippie lore, much like some do with the Civil War, only with lots of money to cushion her lifestyle, unlike most authentic hippies)

Alicia- and her perfectly posed husband and child, has gifted us with her child-rearing guide. In it she makes common-sense suggestions such as encouraging children to defecate in the backyard. For real-(and even though it is insanely ridiculous, you know some dimwit will follow suit! She’s against diapers (What a punch in the gut to working parents, daycare centers and babysitters everywhere. And people who Alicia has no idea exist: The Nanny-less.)

Another thing she’s against: vaccinations. No surprise there. Maybe her offspring can start a health epidemic and call it a ‘trend.’ How ironic would it be if human beings are wiped off the face of the planet by celebrities’ non-vaccinated kids? (Somewhere Chuck Palahniuk is writing that book) It would be just desserts for all of the ridiculous celebrity worship we have going on in this country. Imagine an entire civilization brought down by the Kardashians (even more than we are now)

What credentials does Alicia Silverstone have when it comes to child rearing methods? Well, for one, she was in ‘Clueless’, a fun movie that makes me nostalgic for when I used to like her. She was also in two Aerosmith videos. She wrote a vegan cookbook that Oprah ‘oohed and ahhhd’ over (long after Oprah jumped the shark, now she’s The Goddess of ‘Look What I Just Bought!’) She’s also been so ‘yessed’ to death by her people that she believes she lives on an intellectual plane that rivals the current leaders in science, health, psychology and philosophy.

Lest any of us forget that she pre-chewed her child’s food before spitting it into his mouth, and proudly pimped it on Youtube, feel free to Google it.I can’t even stand it when my food touches other food! On my plate!

Alicia claims she can ‘cure your thyroid condition’, erase the need for any medicine ever,  lower your risk of contracting cancer, and cure infertility. What this does (besides make me very uncomfortable) is set up a scenario, in which should she get seriously ill (and isn’t she just asking for it?), she will need to enter the hospital through the back door (looking both ways for TMZ) or wearing a Burka like Giselle- at- the- Parisian- plastic surgery- center. Then, do you know what she’ll  do? She’ll pay through the nose for the finest medical care western medicine has to offer. And later claim eating kale was what ‘cured’ her.

If this woman was your neighbor and not a famous person, chances are you would take another route out of the neighborhood-however inconvenient- just to avoid her.

There is a video on YouTube about her book (@Rodale Books), which opens with some mellow guitar playing and stars Alicia (imagine being held hostage in Starbucks during a poetry reading by someone wearing Birkenstocks, trying to ‘heal’ you)

Here you are privy to ‘directed to look as if they aren’t directed’ clips of her perfect, high-end hippie aesthetic. It’s as if ‘Real Simple’ and ‘Organic Living’ magazines melded, then came to life. She’s very pretty- stunning even- but she has always been a card-carrying member of the good genetics club. I don’t think that eating  carrots grown in organic soil can take too much credit.

Did I mention she also refers to her uterus as a ‘baby house’ in the promotion, with nary a smirk.The clip ends with a very personal invite: “C’mon- let’s go make a baby!” Alicia- we barely know each other!

In the book, she uses words like ‘yumminess’ and ‘chi-chi’ and ‘hoo-ha’ (what? no vajay-jay?) and advises women to steer clear of tampons. (Personally, I would build a statue in honor of the inventor of the tampon and bow before him or her)

There are few things as fascinating as the celebrity ego. To imagine a person with no credentials (or, to be fair, even with them) thinking they’ve found the key to parenting- in this case because she’s ‘been in the movies’, speaks to the insanity of someone whose ass has been kissed for a lifetime. The very essence of Alicia’s advice is: revolve your life around your kid and his fascinating every move (he’ll be devastated to discover the rest of the world doesn’t care about his free-range poo, or his ‘feels’ unless they’re playing to his celebrity mom)

A celeb’s ego is as distorted as a fun house mirror, and just as disturbing. That entire industries have thrived on that audacity (movies, music, publishing houses, etc) is a testament to our dwindling social I.Q. (Snooki-yes,that Snooki…wrote a book!) But I guess if you get your parenting advice from movie stars and people on television.. you get what you deserve.

RE: Alicia Silverstone – The Kind Mama Parenting Methods.

I’m So Busy … Not Talking To You

In Should I Even Be Talking About This? on April 10, 2014 at 1:41 pm

For years I’ve been pontificating (I admit) about how ‘fake busy’ everyone always implies they are. Like I’ve always said: there wouldn’t be so many discussions about Game Of Thrones, Mad Men, Awards Shows, Magazine Articles, Best-Sellers or Movies if everyone was really as busy as they say they are. Not to mention the constant Facebook and social media updates.

We make time for what we want to make time for. Always. Constantly. And ‘somehow’. Despite that imaginary back-hand against the forehead, collapsed on the couch after sixteen hours from all of this ‘busy’. ‘Busy’ is what we say to get out of things, to stay out of the fray, to actually enjoy the quiet moments of life – something frowned upon in this rah-rah go-get-em society where everything is great but nobody’s happy. “Busy’ is the equivalent of someone claiming they’re not a ‘phone person’ when really they just don’t want to talk to you. 

Stop sounding so proud of ‘busy’….because, on the off-off chance it IS real, it sounds like a nightmare. It sounds like the only place you will ever be alone is in sleep. And why would you be bragging about that?

 

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